My friends say the darndest things. Thankfully, I usually have enough sense to capture them down and the put them on the internet.
Now the latest quotes are updated at the top:

• Only funny if you live in Dallas: “there seem to be a lot of accidents…especially on the freeways that end in 5”
• When’s your birthday?
  St. Patrick’s Day, March 17th.
  Oh really? Are you Irish?
• I feel like the life is being sucked out of me from my feet.
• Your boobs needs manual intervention
• Is that a Heather in your pocket?
• Wake up, ass!
• I’m going to use your hat as the armrest condom
• Project for this afternoon: I think I’m going to use this nice rare day and stain a bed. Y’know, paint.
• She runs like a woman.
• I swear, if that’s a Yoga position, then I’m going join Yoga tomorrow!
• Ah No! The ugly sock of Christ!
• It was so hot, I felt like Frodo in the 3rd Matrix Movie.
• What the Hell’s eating him?
  I bet you it’s not his girlfriend.
• You had to put up with a lot while dating xxx. Was it the challenge, or was there anything else?
  Well, some people climb Mt. Everest.
  And others date xxx.
• I’ve got an empthy thing. If you’re sad, I’m sad. If you’re crying, I cry too.
  I’m horny…
• Mistletoe is always a good idea.
• Better watch it, or you’re gonna get cream sauce all over your hoo-has…
• Now with more God.
• So how is it that God creates us both, man and woman, in his image?
  He’s a hermaphrodite?
• Shallownees is only skin deep.
• I don’t go on dates because I’m po’
• Our people don’t make the difference. Our customers that buy our shit makes the difference.
• She’s a Catherine with a C. Can’t you tell?
• F*ck the cow. I wanna be a boy.
• I have a full license to operate the cookie.
• I’m just a lesbian with a built in strap on.
• Now with more tongue.
• “You know you’re drunk when you can’t feel what you’re eating anymore.”
• “They go together like Oreos and mayonnaise.”
• “I never realized you were white until I saw you dressed like this.”
• I have a customer on the line who’s pissing me off! I’m about to be a faggot on a rampage!
• Let the a$$ slapping begin!
• Our food is really great, which is surprizing considering the crappy service.
• “Carbonated yogart with Seltzer. It tasted like goat.”
• “Wow, it’s like Valley girl meets caveman: Dude…ugg…dude!!…ugg..”
• “So, you’re a fish snob?””I prefer to call myself an fish-anadio”
• “I hope that’s blood.”, After slopily eating a steak.
• “You’re going to like what I’m wearing tonight. Bring your Extra brain.”
• “What?! You ate her danish and you didn’t even know her name?!”
• “What makes you think I’m wearing underwear.”
• “We need to start the rumor that all Jews are good dancers.””So, when a girl says ‘Good Dance.’, I should say, ‘Thanks, I’m Jewish.’?”
• “I don’t need a push-up bra. I need a push-in.”
• “Which one is Solomon?””He’s the one that looks like Harry Potter grown up about 10 years.”
• “Swing dancing is great. There you are listening to great Jazz and grooving with hot women….some of which ride motorcycles.”
• “He just gives women the look and they come dance with him.””A little big of tongue helps too.”
• Smirnoff Ice? I haven’t sold that to a guy before.
• “Well, you know 10% of people are gay.””No No No No No. Only 5-7% are…”
  “Sounds like someone’s in the 8 percentile.”
• Is this corn starch or cocaine?
  Dude, I’m going to find out.
  
• I gotta go. My Depends are riding up on me.
  
• On dancing connection: “We’ve gotta give equal forces…like our friend Issan Newton said.”
  
• This bar is very secure in it’s masculinity.
  
• You know it’s a good blues dance when you have to adjust your clothing afterwards.
  
• Somewhere, there’s a trailer park that’s empty, and a tornado that’s looking for something to do.
  
• Whatever you do, you can do it better with more women.
  
• You know you’re drunk when you don’t know whose navel you sucked it out of.
  
• You’ve been a bad girl! Go to Tommy’s room!
  
• Were you supposed to ravage me, or was I supposed to ravage you?
  You were supposed to get me drunk.
  Oh, should I drink you more?
  
• Put the jailbait down.
  
• Don’t make me bitchslap you where it counts.
  
• I have a nine inch tongue and I can breathe through my ears.
  
• Rod, what are you doing back there?”
  
• I often have my head in the clouds…when it’s not up my ass.”
  
• Is he your boy?””Tonight he is.”
  
• It’s called foreplay! You damn men. That’s what’s wrong with you. You don’t take your time. Would it hurt you to heat up the pan before you put the meat in it?”
  
• At least I’m a nice whore.”
  
• Oh, I thought you were a lesbian.”
  
• On movies: “He seems to only play black people.”
  
• Vegetables are what food eats.”
  
• Your hair is so silken. It’s like the rope they bound Gollum with.”
  
• The more you eat…the more you drink…the more you throw up…the more you can eat.”
  
• Wiskey always makes me butch.”
  
• The water fountain doesn’t work and someone bit me!”
  
• I just got sucker punched by a 6 foot 2 blonde amazon. I’m supposed to be embarrased, but I actually like it!”
  
• Everything’s fine. Better than “Cats”. I wanna see it over and over again.”
  
• Jesus loves everybody. But I’m his favorite.”
  
• His Lindy hurts me.
  
• I got a grey hair last year. That’ll never happen again.
  
• All I need is a psychologically damaged man with good abs.
  
• I look foward to dancing West Coast…when I get old enough.
  
• I’m a musician. I play the radio.
  
• Any party that lasts 20 hours, is a good party.
  
• You know it’s a good party when there’s an octopus in the sink.
  
• I have to remember to shave when I come to Tommy’s parties. I forgot about all of the man-handling.
  
• This little piggy’s hung over, this little piggy’s hung over, this little piggy’s half in the bag, this little piggy had LOTS and this little piggy went WHHHEEEEEE!!!
  
• Testostorne…We’re helpless under it’s power!
  
• Mmmm…Mormons
  
• You don’t know whose fault it is? It’s the fault of the wang. Don’t blame the wang.
  
• If there’s a white girl telling you to shut up, you better SHUT UP!
  
• Your mom said, “woot.”
  
• When Luby’s starts closing down, you know the economy’s going down.
  
• Damn, that was the part of my brain that did long division.
  
• That was a double combo of happiness.
  
• And what do they think happens to the placentas in the wild?!
  
• My new instrument is my voice; because it’s, like, so portable.